Blog Post

Trauma Bonding

March 24, 2026, 7:44 AM

There are many reasons we remain stuck in relationships that have long since expired. We often think we stay because of some undying love connection or karmic debt; perhaps that may be the metaphysical explanation. However, there are many reasons, but a primary one is our tendency to bond with others who feel familiar or who seem to have the same type of struggles as we do.

In other words, we connect with folks who are broken in ways similar to ourselves. We may have similar childhoods, abuse patterns, or fears of abandonment. The list is quite extensive as to why we remain in certain relationships. Let’s review the bonds that keep us stuck:

Commitments based on Fragility – We assume we have to remain through thick and thin because we made a commitment to someone who we perceive as fragile due to their traumatic history. When we engage with someone with a traumatic past, we often promise not to leave, just to make them feel safe and secure, mostly because we overidentify with their pain. Unfortunately, when we make initial commitments, we often do so because we don’t fully understand the potential dynamics of the relationship and their unhealthy impact.
Similar Trauma History – Not all individuals cope the same when it comes to traumatic experiences, which also means that not everyone has learned how to heal or become whole. Sharing similar backgrounds does not equal perfect synergy. Think in terms of the kids who went to grade school with you; just because you were in the same class and took the same lessons, it does not mean you learned exactly the same.
Being part of the “rejected” group – being a loner or a social misfit - can be harsh and often isolating. When we meet someone who has experienced similar painful situations, we feel compelled to” rescue” them and create a bonding club. Though accepting someone who has been a social outcast does feel good, it does not always mean you will form the healthiest connections.
Instant Caretaker – due to their shared history of trauma, and your tendency to overidentify with their history, you eagerly try to help them feel safe and loved. You become their emotional shield, constantly trying to shelter them from revisiting painful memories. As a result, whenever they get emotionally triggered and end up using you as their scapegoat, you are quick to forgive and make excuses for their poor treatment of you.
Emotional Blackmail – Many folks have learned to weaponize their trauma in order to get their way in life. They know most good folks will be generous and eager to support them, so they often target vulnerable individuals who are ready to be rescued. Now, I would never suggest rejecting anyone, but I recommend being mindful and learning to use boundaries in all relationships, including with individuals who have experienced rejection. Experiencing trauma does not give anyone a license to abuse anyone else.
Co-dependency – the joy of connecting with others who are similar is fantastic; however, it can also become unhealthy and diminish our ability to create boundaries. There is a tendency to overdo things just to please the other person. One’s autonomy and personal needs diminish as they live their life to appease the other person.
Living with Guilt – you often think about terminating things, but you feel super guilty about bringing things off because they have a history of abandonment, plus you promised you would never leave. They are often aware that you promise to be there for them, so the moment you behave or say anything that implies you are tired and want to leave, they push all your guilt buttons by reminding you of your promise to be there for them.

You have a right to happiness and to peace in your life. However, in order to break free from the cycle of trauma bonds, you need to learn some of the following:

You are not responsible for fixing anyone but yourself
You need compassionate boundaries that allow you to take care of yourself
Stop dating the potential person. Just because someone has improved does not mean they can change into the “ideal” mate
Its ok to have a good life even if someone else is struggling. You are not selfish because you made good choices that allowed you to live a decent life.
You are not the world’s savior; therefore, stop trying to save everyone
Similar histories do not mean similar outcomes or similar current life skills.
You are not karmically linked just because you have a similar history of struggles
Avoid letting anyone use their trauma to get what they want from you. It’s ok to say no
You are not a bad person for letting go of a trauma-infused bond

I realize that breaking things off with someone who has suffered in any way can be hard to do, especially when you over-identify with them. However, just because you both suffered it does not mean you are destined to be a couple, especially if they have not worked through their disruptive patterns. Remember, you don’t owe anyone a relationship.